083

We decide to go to the new IKEA in Tampa. In a big yellow Penske truck. While Stephanie practices her sense of entitlement driving this monstrocity in traffic, I enjoy the scenery of anti-choice, mature manure, and gun billboards.

Clearly we are serious shoppers. So, naturally, the first thing we do when we arrive is eat. “Where is the cafeteria?” Steph asks the greeter. “Um, right behind you.”

After we purchase a few chairs, a sofa, and closet system, we arrive at the baby section. Neither of us has ever been there. We usually skip over it with a sneer and a tear but today we take a deep breath and cross under the vibrant arch. You would think that we would be like two kids in a candy store, given how deeply we both want children, but we are more like two city girls on a trip to the country milking their first cow. Between our “what does this do?” and “what do you think this is?” we attempt to figure things out. After she practices lovingly placing her child (purse) in and out of each crib, Steph decides on an adorable little number. A few months ago we were sucking on Bud Lights and falling off mechanical bulls and now look at us – a couple of infertiles shopping in the IKEA baby section. Life is grand.

I wish entitlement while driving a big yellow truck translated into entitlement in the nursery. With all we have been through, we continue to coach each other on building confidence and trust that our bundle of joy will come. When the worst has happened to you it is no longer something that happens to other people. We don’t have the luxury of living with our heads in the clouds. We’ve experienced too much for that to even be an option. Even though the kid thing has been working out for both of us so far, there is a quiet fear that it will all go away. But we work on it one tire tread at a time, we deal with the bumps on the road, we merge with limited vision, hoping that everyone else will just clear the way.

084

Advertisements