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Happy National Infertility Awareness Week!

Yes, I said happy.

Happy because this year, in honor of this holiday, we enjoyed a not-pregnant picnic of sushi, cookie dough, lunch meat, soft cheese, wine, tuna salad and caffeinated beverages. You would think we would feel sick after eating such a buffet but we felt… great.

Last year, in celebration of National Infertility Awareness Week, we jumped 13,000 feet form the air with a Bud Light (oh, and a parachute). That was the beginning of a year of many leaps and bounds. Today we decided to try something new – to stay as close to the ground as possible.

It is easy to say that infertility sucks. Our family finding stories are what everyone with fertility challenges fears the most – IVF not working (this happened to me. Twice) or an adoption falling through (cue Stephanie). But this week is not about what we don’t have but rather what we do have. From where we’re sitting, we see now that all of the pain – the ugly, desperate sorrow – prepares our hearts to feel an even deeper joy. This raw joy is a lot like raw chocolate chip cookie dough. It is seen as being risky to eat and bad for you but it tastes like home.

So last week (was it that long ago) we stuffed ourselves with raw fish, then took a stroll around beautiful botanical gardens. Walking through rows of new growth, budding flowers and sneezing through tree sex, one can’t help but think of the process of life creation.

Peg and Fran, bless this Sushi we are about to put into our unpregnant bellies

Peg and Fran, bless this Sushi we are about to put into our unpregnant bellies

The thing is, I don’t feel connected to it. I wholeheartedly wish that I did. I wish that I could see my body as yet another flower that will inevitably be pollanated, but I just don’t know. It’s so much more than the birds and the bees. It’s like, ok kids, let me tell you about the birds and the bees, but also about the bills and the fees and the doctor’s and the needles and the tubes….I understand that lots of people decide to have a baby and then get pregnant. And everything is beautiful. But I feel so far removed from that sort of thinking. I try so hard not be jealous. Really I do. But it’s difficult.

I’ve heard people say that if you get pregnant it all just washes away. Does it? Your last post gave me an idea. How wonderful to have that weekend as a conception weekend.  I don’t know why I didn’t think of it before. I know that the V-list is about being able to (hopefully) tell our children they were born at a time of adventure and beauty. No matter what procedural option I choose, Danny and I are going to do something amazing, so we can tell our hypothetical kids, you were conceived the weekend we

a) entered ourselves into a Liberace look-a-like contest

b) scuba dived the great barrier reef

c) camped out underneath a meteor shower